Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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