I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you had me at cake vodka
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
how does that bad decision feel?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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