Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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