I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My bed smells like the plague
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
