Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
as a side note pls kill me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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