Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize