mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
