I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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