May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
