Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize