No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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