i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
