what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize