sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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