walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
