honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
