Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
