...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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