Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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