he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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