In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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