I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
