I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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