People in love make me want to vomit
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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