Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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