The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
