So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize