living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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