whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
