all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
