I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
