we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
