david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
