Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
