bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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