Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize