He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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