ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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