So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
