Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
