you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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