this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
