I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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