I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
