i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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