Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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