i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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