Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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