You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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