I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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