I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
