I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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