so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize