Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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