I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
