just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
