she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
