the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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