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Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
