I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
