WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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